unfinished (thoughts on ambition)

ambition.
i know now, by the sneaking, subtle depression that i have to take fuckin control of my LIFE. no more just going with the flow, letting things push me this way or that. without some definate idea of what i want, i know i can only end up disappointed.

i thought i needed to work. prove my father wrong. support myself with my own money. and party hard on the side. and that's what i'm doing. sometimes it's shakey and stressful but i'm doing it. yet i'm not satisfied. i'm left with the feeling that something is missing.

and i've been reading this book and it's got me thinking. life is more than living. it's about doing something that matters to you and getting recognized for it. it's about acheiving something, whatever it is that's important to you.

so bla bla bla... what's important to me?

i've always been a writer, i've been making zines and writing in online diaries since i was thirteen, i love poetry, i'm good with the written word.

i have a very strong interest in women's sexuality, i've always been a sexual deviant and i see a strong link between women's general shitty place in society and the shroud of silence, shame and violence that covers women's sexuality

i love music and i want to learn guitar

i love modeling and having pretty pictures taken of me

i want to travel and see all sorts of different places

i want money and power

i have rejected the idea of university for a long time now because i didn't want the same life and the same bullshit as my parents. but i'm beginning to see that it may bring me closer to what i want.

2006-11-26