eating eagles

coming back to this house makes my skin itch so fucking badly. i don't know what it is.

i had the strangest, most disturbing and beautiful dreams last night. i wish i could explain them. you were in them honey. you were eating eagles. it was all carnage... carnage like skinned cats and chickens sent in envelopes... but there was this intensity to it. you know how dreams can possess a feeling? yet it's impossible to translate into words? this dream was full, bursting, with some kind of sacred truth. the kind i guess is mostly only found on shrooms.

there's so much i have to do today. and then tomorrow i start the new job, and i can't even find the work shirt that fits me. and i want to switch jobs but i don't know how to go about this. i kinda want you to come over tonight, but i'm afraid to ask you. i kinda think you don't like it at my apartment (which would make me very sad)... or the treck is too much or something... or maybe i'm asking you to come over too often? but then again, this could all just be in my head. it's hard to say.

it's hard for me to just come out and say what i want. i guess i fear rejection. i revert to the arguing tone, but really, i just want to collapse. i want things to be easier. i want to be sweet with you and tell you how i feel.

i just have a hard time saying what i want, asking for it directly. i guess i'm quite passive aggressive. i get that from my mother.

i'm going to get an ear infection again, i know it. i have to get the nedication to treat the psoriasis in my ears... but god, i don't even know what the name of the stuff is. and i guess i'll just go to the walk in clinic... hopefully they can prescribe me something. because my ears are really itching.

anyway bla bla bla.

i just haven't had the oppertunity to write in here in awhile.

ps: i love you stefan.

2006-07-27