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all these things that could be true
like you and i... like going to shows, watching horror movies and making army plans of escape... i tried to fuckin dissolve/collapse in the winter into the arms of this guy (i'll tell you about him)... but i couldn't cuz he's fake and he's a liar... and i want you, i prefer you, choose you. want you. and i'm grasping at absolutely nothing, just an image, reflected light, that's all. cuz we don't know each other yet. and when we do, i want it to be beautiful.

since we started speaking i haven't been thinking of anything else... i know i can get a little obsessive when it comes to love... but you're a beautiful surprise and my meticulous mind is having a field day... dissecting... dissecting... analyzing... recording data and burning up the sheets of paper... cuz i can't remember shit anyway.

and all the things that could be. you and i. getting fucked on cough syrup. lying under the stars. going out to bars and getting fucked and coming home together. falling asleep in your bed and introducing you as my boyfriend. i want to. i want to. i can't think about that other guy. i keep blocking my "internet lovers" whenever you come online.

i just have so much hope for this. and more of desire to make it work than she did. i mean, meeting in person for the first time can always be weird... but i'm so determined to make it not weird. to make it run smoothly enough and anyway we both have really good senses of humour. we'll get through the sticky parts i think.

and i hope. because for the last few days i have been steeping in you. and it would suck if it all went to hell. i want your arm around me. i want to be the one making you laugh. and you like my craziness. you like that i'm a freak. it's unbelievable to meet someone like you who likes someone like me. both of us, essentially, are freaks.

i like what you said about pushing him down, disarming him and then going to town on him with his own chainsaw. and me and you need to learn to drive for the great escape, but even if we couldn't, i have a feeling that all the killers would be dead and we could just stay out there in the desert and sit in the sun cuz it's good for our skin.

2006-04-29