what i've been wanting to say

it hurts a little, the way i find you disappointing now. maybe i wanted you away, maybe i liked it that way so that i can remember you as you were. when i was fifteen and you were seventeen. when i fell in love with you and you kept it from me that you were in love with someone else. it was then that i loved you without a sense of obligation or a feeling of exhaustion. it was simple back then. and then you took me with you now and again through various glimpses into you. and you were subtle and confusing and i loved you, and you still haven't really given me an answer one way or another but i'm not stupid. when i saw you standing there, the last time, i knew. it's strange, the ties between us and i can't really define it either but you won't say anything. so i let it go. i hope and know you'll come back. but you, who will you be now? and me? what about me? i wish you didn't live so far away. i wish you'd take the time to give a little back to me after all you've taken. how can you not understand that a phonecall here a visit there, it's not enough. it's insulting to the girl i was, and to the girl i am now. who lived fine without you even if she still loved you. looking at myself now i can see i'm gonna keep going back to it. it's been what - almost four years now? and i still walk past your house and feel you all around me. and i can't explain it either, okay? but i just want to give it a chance. you don't need to be so terrified of "love" or me loving you or you loving me. i don't know exactly what all that means either and we could discuss it endlessly sure, to make our definitions match, so no miscommunication is committed. but whatever, cuz it doesn't matter. you say there's a difference in what we feel for each other, but how so? i don't think you really understand how i feel for you. i don't think i really understand it either. your closes point of reference is the lovesick poetry i wrote when i was fifteen or seventeen. i'm older now, i've grown into myself and now i can't explain it. the dramatics were my way of explaing it i guess, explaining the resistance i felt between us, cuz there's been something there from the very start. a spark, you know it. but there's always been that resistance too, from you. and now i understand it's because of another girl, it's not some big mystery anymore. it's simple, you loved her first. but later, and now that you say your thing with her is done, why not me now? and we both know you can fall in love with someone when you're already in love with someone else. i have you fascination, and now your compassion too, your caring, but it all goes to hell if i try to make it romantic or - god forbid sexual, and why? why goddamnit. you always twist your words. you always avoid the question. maybe you don't even know. but, see how can i out logic you on this if you won't even explain it. and you feel you don't need to i guess, you say we just feel differently: but how so? i'm not the crazy girl who loves you anymore. but when you asked me on the phone if i still loved you i kinda wish i'd said yes... but you'd just showed up. there wasn't enough time to think. and i couldn't just be your sidelines girl anymore, i just couldn't. why'd you have to move so far away - and if you were here, what then? you say you're gonna come back, i wonder when.

2006-04-07