ramble ramble ramble

okay.
so i really want to do something with my life. i'm 19... i'm at that stage now where i'm like: what the fuck am i doing... and i'm working, my goal is to become financially independant, thus freeing myself of the shackles of my parents. i want to be able to do this, support myself, before i fuckin go to university or some shit... cuz honestly it's not really my bag... and i won't just follow the path my parents laid out for me.
and i'm doing good. i'm getting this high school thing done, i've got a plan for moving. i'm working, i should be able to transfer and get a placement in the new city.
it's the moments in between that i waste. i find myself between school and work, dizzy with panic i don't know why. or tonight i had the night off so i started drinking in the middle of the day... but i mean, what do i want to do with my time? not that drinking isn't great cuz it is but... i don't know like, what do i want? what should i be putting my time towards?
i used to be a lot of things but my ambitions were always so vague. i guess i figured the privilige of my parents wealth would save me? maybe i was babied, and comfortable, never needing to set out where i was going. i was young, and very distracted what with ... everything that was going on.
but now: it's guitar, you know, music that's what i decided on. what i really want to do. but i feel so stuck, no movement on it. ... i used to write, i used to write endlessly now the words, i'm just not sure what i want to say. i love how with music, you don't need to explain yourself. it's the simplicity of it, the ourity i guess... i don't know. the way you can sing something, or the way the guitar sounds...
blablabla.
i can't explain myself at all anymore it seems like, and i guess what i'm saying is that i don't really want to. but i miss writing. i miss the way i used to make sense of things with my words. there's these feelings i get, the feeling of something, the shimmer of it... standing under stars when i was fifteen, or up on top of a building at seventeen or last summer, running through a field... and i like to hint at this shit with words. tip toe around it, let some of the feeling bleed through. but it all feels pointless lately. waste of words and nothing comes out right.
maybe i should just write about moments. moments of this life. like the day i went for that long walk, walked away from everything. i could write about stuff like that.
maybe i need to feel like it's worth it, like it's good for me, like it'll get me closer to what i want.
lately i've been wearing out old fantasies even farther, just to fill the time. the rocknroll i crave, it feels so out of reach.
patti smith though, she's teaching me about where poetry meets rocknroll... hey maybe i could find myself there.

2006-04-06